I didn't like this dog.

It pains me to admit it, and in retrospect it even seems a bit mean. But I'm just being honest. We had Freckles for nine years, and she was the most annoying pet I've ever owned. It wasn't her fault, really. We assumed she had some sort of doggy ADHD, because she couldn't remember anything. If we had to discipline her for something, she could forget within 30 seconds what she was told. I know that dogs are incredibly forgiving, but come on! This dog just didn't get it. She never learned to stay out of the garbage, or out of our food on the table or cupboard. She didn't learn right from wrong... just how to get away with it.

Yet in spite of her annoying habits, I never wanted to see her suffer. She had her little moments. She would sleep next to me on the bed and didn't steal the covers. She would run circles around the dining room table at lightning speed when she was excited, providing a fair amount of laughs for visitors. And I've never before had a dog ask to go outside by sneezing at me.

Friday morning, she wouldn't eat her breakfast. She didn't eat all day. She wouldn't eat at all on Saturday, either. By Sunday, I got her to munch a little bit of lunchmeat, but she had the dry heaves. By the time I took her in to the vet Monday morning, she wouldn't even open her mouth. The vet gave us some pills to try, along with some soft dog food for when she got feeling better. I went to work around 11:30 a.m. I returned home at 4:30 to find her lying by the back door in pain. She couldn't keep her balance. I called the vet, drove Freckles to the office while reaching behind to comfort her in the back seat, and then carried her inside. She took two painful gasps, making sounds I've never heard from her before as I rushed her in to the building. I laid her on the table, and I knew we had lost her. I laid my head on her chest, but it wasn't moving. The vet came in quickly and confirmed what I thought. No heartbeat. Freckles was gone.

Dang it. I didn't want to go through this a second time in a year. I had my favorite pet, my rabbit Mordecai put to sleep this summer. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. As I drove "Frecks" to the vet, I was sure she wasn't coming home. But I never expected her to die in my arms.

Maybe it's payback.

And so, as I promised when Mordecai died, I'm through with pets. I find myself painfully aware of how short my time with them might be. Instead of enjoying the days I have with my dogs, rabbits, or birds, I find myself doing the math. How many years can I expect to have with this pet? How old will I be when I have to drive this one to the vet and say good-bye? I'm an optimistic person. I live in the present. I live for today and all the good pleasures God gives me. But no matter how much we try to deny it, our circumstances and experiences do shape and mold us. I'm not bitter. I'm not angry.

I just don't want to hurt anymore.

Good-bye, Mordecai

My rabbit is dying.

This won't be lighthearted or fun, so you might want to stop reading right now. I'm just getting my pain and frustration out. I've had Mordecai for about 5 or 6 years... I've lost count. He's old for a rabbit, to be sure. I've known this day was coming for some time. But he's my favorite pet, and it hurts.

Years ago, I had a little blue canary I kept in my den. He was a messy pet, but a lot of fun. When my father passed away, we had to pack up and head downstate in a hurry. We took the dog to a kennel, but forgot about the bird. We came home a week later, and there lay Hermie... dead of starvation at the bottom of his cage. I totally lost it, as you might imagine. Just a dumb bird, but it was my fault.

Pam and I didn't have our son until we were 9 years into our marriage. So our dog Rascal was our kid for those early years. Having Rascal put to sleep when she was too sick to go on was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I held her for those last moments, and gently pet her, trying to put her at ease. But it won't be as easy for Mordecai. I can't afford to do anything but let nature take its course. He can't get up and walk, and it looked like he was having seizures last night.

Yeah, I know. It's a rabbit. A stupid rabbit. But he was still my companion when I needed a laugh. Holding my bunny when I was having a bad day somehow made it better. I'll miss him.

So I'm through with pets. The pain of saying goodbye over and over again is just too much. I'll just stick with my fish tank from now on.

I have a really hard time getting attached to a guppy.

UPDATE: I couldn't stand watching Mordi suffer anymore. I took him to the vet and had him "put to sleep" this morning. Couldn't afford to do it, but couldn't afford not to. My little friend is out of his misery, and that's what counts.

Doggone It, Anyway...

How did I hit this jackpot? Not only am I raising a son with autism, I have a dog with A.D.D.

Seriously, I've never seen anything like this mutt. She just... doesn't... get it. She's 9 years old this month, and I still can't keep her from digging into the garbage to chew on used Kleenex. I took my son for a short car ride this morning, and came back to find a pile of chewed up tissue on the bedroom floor. Of course, when I confronted the dog she started shaking like a leaf. Just one word is all I have to say... "kennel!" She marches right into her little home away from home and stays there brooding until I settle down and let her back out again. When she gets out, it will be like nothing ever happened, and she'll start begging me to scratch her butt. Not gonna happen, but it doesn't stop her from asking. Ick. Just... ick. Oh, did I mention the bird seed? No matter how many times she's been warned, she still likes to lick up the seed that falls from the feeder in the front yard. She'll be throwing it up later, but it doesn't stop her.

Yes, it would be unfair to compare her to the dogs I've had before... Peanut, Snickers, or Rascal. Especially Rascal. She was our kid, at least until our son was born. My other dogs were exceptional. This one though, is just annoying. She has never been able to remember the simplest of instructions. If my wife or I tell her "no," she will stop begging about the third time she's told. But 2 minutes later, she's forgotten and she's right back at it. We've tried to reason with her. "Freckles, you're not getting my dinner. The answer is no, it's always been no, and it will always BE no!" Nothing. Nada. It's like talking to a brick wall. After 9 years, you would think she would finally get it! Nope. She still holds out hope.

And it's not like we don't take care of the mutt. We feed her well. We try to pet her and play with her, but she starts in on the butt scratching thing every time. She has her own singing treat jar that plays, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" It's the one thing she does understand. Whenever the jar opens, she tears toward the kitchen like greased lightning. She's allowed to sleep on the big bed. She has her own bed in the living room. But does she use it? No... she finds a pillow or blanket to curl up on and lick until there's a big wet spot. What's so tasty about a blanket?

I've tried to give her away. The answer I get? "Oh, she's cute. But I don't want her either!" Yeah. Now she's getting older. Can't give her away, and I'm too much of a softy to put her down before her time. But I have a feeling that this will be the dog who lives to be 20.

I'm just afraid she'll drive me to the nuthouse first.