Sunday, May 15, 2011

An Open Letter to My Lawn

Dear Lawn,

It's nice to see you again. I've missed you this past winter. Really, I have. When you began to peek through all that nasty white stuff to expose your brown leaf ridden self, I was truly happy. When you greened up so nicely these past few weeks, I was close to giddy. Sorry about those dead patches on the front lawn. The dog kept meeting me at the front door. I knew at the time I should have taken her out the back.

But let's get down to business. We need to have a serious talk. You see, you're growing just a bit too fast for me. Truth be told, you're growing way too fast. We had our first cut of the year last Sunday. You looked good. We even began to fill in that low patch caused by mole tunnels. Remember those? A few years ago you were spotted with dozens of holes that I painstakingly patched, repaired, and patched up again. I spent a small fortune on mole poison. Those pesky grubs that keep itching your underside? I took care of them, didn't I? I have another bag of bug killer ready to go this Spring, too!

The fact is, I've taken good care of you. So could you do me this one simple favor, and stop growing so doggone fast? You see, the problem can be summed up in one word: Gas. That little red machine I push all over you to give you a trim? It takes gas to run that self-propelled beauty. And that gas can that sits in the garage? It costs more than 8 bucks to fill! You are getting just too expensive to cut! I can control my other gas usage. I can leave the car sitting in the driveway. But you... every time you get too high, I have to run the mower. We did it again today, after just a week! You were looking downright shaggy!

So you see, as much as I appreciate you, I can't afford to keep cutting you this often. After all, I'm not 23 anymore. Heck, I'm not even 33. This tired old body can't keep up with you forever. And if you don't stop growing so fast, I'll have to find another way to keep you under control... like buying goats.

And believe me... they'll do more to you than keep you trim, if you know what I mean.


Your Owner.