I've learned never to give up easily when it comes to my faith, because God is a whole lot smarter than I am. Many times over, He has proven to me that He has a plan I know nothing about. He'll take me right to the edge, right to the limit of my patience and understanding, and then pour it on in such a way that I wonder how I ever could have doubted.
Now. Some may disagree with my theology, but I really don't care. I'm all about being honest with God. I don't mind telling Him when I'm frustrated, when my faith is lacking, or when I'm just angry that I've been praying for two years and nothing seems to be happening while everyone around me gets blessed. Here's why: I've read the Psalms. All 150 of them. Repeatedly, the Psalmists (especially David) pour their hearts out to God. They give Him all of their frustrations, their worries, and their fears. But in nearly every instance, they follow up with a three letter word: "But." But God, I trust in you. But God, you know better than me. But God, you are on the throne! Some might call it a lack of faith. I call it honesty. Those questions are recorded in God's Word for a reason.
So yeah, I'm frustrated. For two years I've been praying for my hip to be healed. I've approached the big guns... some of the most respected and well known preachers and leaders in our "denomination" have prayed over me. They have prophesied healing. They have seen me running. They have envisioned the cartilage growing back in place so I have no more pain. They have stood with me. Men of faith. Spiritual giants. And still... the doctor says my hip is "awful." A-W-F-U-L. Did you hear that, God? It's awful! What about the prayers? What about the faith? What about the prophecies, God? What about the "sinner" you healed through the same hands that were laid on me? Why him and not me, your servant? Yeah, God... I'm frustrated, I'm a little angry, and I'm very confused! Yes, I have a doctor's appointment next month. Yes, we're going to talk
about a hip replacement. Is it your desire to have them slice my leg
open and permanently install a piece of steel inside of me that will
cost thousands of dollars? Or is it your desire to heal miraculously? It's been two years God. Where's the miracle?
But God.....
But God. I'm not giving up. But God, I trust Your way is perfect. But God, I know you have a plan. But God... I will trust. I will give you my frustration. I will fast, I will study your word, and I will pray. I will not try to manipulate you God, but instead I will conform to Your divine will.
I don't get it right now, God. I really don't. BUT... I look forward to the day when it all makes sense. That's the day I'll get off my lazy "but" and stop doubting in the first place.
