25 or 6 to 4

I'm not sure why the old Chicago tune, "25 or 6 to 4" is running through my muddled head, but it somehow seems appropriate today. It's one of those songs that doesn't make sense until you hear the story behind it. Someone in the band asked what time it was, and another person answered, "25 or 6 to 4," literally meaning about 25 or 26 minutes until 4 o'clock. Oh, now we get it!

The past month has been a mixed bag of emotions, and most days I don't know if I'm coming or going, happy or sad, contented or discontented, doing the right thing or somewhat out of God's will. Trying to sort out what I'm feeling and why is, well, kind of like trying to figure out that song. Pretty soon the light's going to come on, and it's all going to make sense. It's the waiting that drives me nuts.

I don't know whether or not I regret recent decisions I've had to make. I see things working out for the better, and I should be happy, but instead I'm feeling miserable and alone. I know the right thing to do is seek God, read His word, pray about it, and have a support team I can talk to. Yet I find myself being less than forthright and honest, because I know how it would sound... like I don't have it all together. And I don't.

I've spent my life dedicated to servanthood. I preach it all the time. We're not here for ourselves; I believe we're here to honor God, serve Him, and love others. The rest will take care of itself. But that's the problem. I wasn't made just to love others. I was made to be loved as well. Truth be told, I feel as if I'm doing all the giving, and my "love tank" is running on empty. That feels and sounds totally selfish, and it probably is. I also feel like the one strongest desire of my heart, to be a good father and mentor is the one area where I've screwed up the most. If I can't even get that right, then how can I expect to be loved in return?

It's time to turn the station and get "25 or 6 to 4" out of my head. I need a new song. I'm just afraid the next station will be playing "American Pie." Talk about confusing.